Let's talk "Normal"...

So, what exactly is "normal"??? I guess this question has many answers, depending on who you ask... I have always wanted to be normal. I want a normal job, normal friends, normal clothes, normal thoughts, normal feelings. I want a normal childhood, normal parents, a normal upbringing. I will never have any of these things.

My job...today I hate it. I work in a factory. I work for a "Fortune 500" company. I build airplanes. You figure it out...I work 2Nd shift...by choice. I am not a morning person. Sometimes I wish I had a "normal" job...a "9to5" type job. A job that I can wear a pair of slacks and a nice top to. One that I can "go out to lunch with the girls". That will never happen. My job affords me a very nice lifestyle, one that I would not be able to have with that 9to5 job. I will be able to retire at 55...I would not be able to do that otherwise. I have a union to back me up, I have kick-ass health insurance, 2 weeks paid vacation at Christmas, I wear jeans and sweatshirts to work everyday. I can spit and swear and "yuck it up" with the guys at work. It's a trade-off. It's not a "normal" job.

My childhood...Jesus Christ...what a fucked-up nightmare that was. My parents never should have married, let alone bred...Although I love my brother Matt dearly and would not trade him for anything on earth. My parents divorced when I was 10 and it went downhill from there. I don't really want to get deep into that right now, except to say that my childhood was far from "normal".My dad kicked me out of his house when I was 16, I am a high-school drop-out (with a GED and two college degrees), and I was homeless for almost a year. (See why I won't leave the high-paying job I hate...) I had my daughter, Heather the day before my 19Th birthday. My Mom was there with me...two days later she left to go back to the Philippines and I didn't see her again for a year and a half.

Surprise, surprise...there's something not "normal" with my head. I was diagnosed about 9 years ago with major depressive disorder. That is definately not normal. Some days I am great, some days I want to kill everyone in my line of sight. Not so good when you work in a factory!!! There have even been days when I have felt like taking things out on myself...that's not so good either. I have been getting help in that department...and that's not "normal". I wish I could wake up and be normal...not crabby or bitchy or crying or yelling or screaming or sad...just normal. That will never happen.

I mourn what I didn't have as a child. I miss Christmas' with my Grandparents that never happened. Easter Mass that I didn't go to. Weddings I didn't attend. Cousins I didn't see grow up. Friends I lost touch with. High School graduation that didn't take place. I shouldn't miss what I didn't have, I should be thankful for what I do have, right??

Isn't that normal??

My first blog

This is my first blog...my first "stab" at writing. And what do I want to write about in this, my inaugural post? Work. I work in a factory. I have for the past 13 years. I work second shift which is 2:00 to 10:30pm...most people would cringe at these hours, but they seem to suit me quite well. I don't always like my job, it is hard work. 50 years ago, it was "man's work". But again, it suits me...

I walk the same walk in to the factory every day, I see some of the same faces every day. Some of these people I have worked with since the day I walked into that factory. I like that. I am a creature of habit. I like things to be the same. I like to see the same people, the same smiles. I like to see the pictures of the kids when they are 7 and then again when they are getting married. It is like a family.

My work at the factory is hard, physically. I have had 3 work-related surgeries because of it. But that is a different blog. I don't always like my job, and if you read my blog for any amount of time, you will find that out.

Speaking of my blog...this is something new for me. I have recently re-connected with a friend from high school and she has a blog. It is amazing. And when I figure out how to link it to mine, I will. She has given me inspiration to try to figure out a way to better myself, to get things out. Just to talk, even if no one is listening....I have a laundry list of things I would like to blog about and I think I have comitted to myself that I am going to do this for at least a year and see where it goes from there. I need a good outlet. Maybe this is it...