So, what exactly is "normal"??? I guess this question has many answers, depending on who you ask... I have always wanted to be normal. I want a normal job, normal friends, normal clothes, normal thoughts, normal feelings. I want a normal childhood, normal parents, a normal upbringing. I will never have any of these things.
My job...today I hate it. I work in a factory. I work for a "Fortune 500" company. I build airplanes. You figure it out...I work 2Nd shift...by choice. I am not a morning person. Sometimes I wish I had a "normal" job...a "9to5" type job. A job that I can wear a pair of slacks and a nice top to. One that I can "go out to lunch with the girls". That will never happen. My job affords me a very nice lifestyle, one that I would not be able to have with that 9to5 job. I will be able to retire at 55...I would not be able to do that otherwise. I have a union to back me up, I have kick-ass health insurance, 2 weeks paid vacation at Christmas, I wear jeans and sweatshirts to work everyday. I can spit and swear and "yuck it up" with the guys at work. It's a trade-off. It's not a "normal" job.
My childhood...Jesus Christ...what a fucked-up nightmare that was. My parents never should have married, let alone bred...Although I love my brother Matt dearly and would not trade him for anything on earth. My parents divorced when I was 10 and it went downhill from there. I don't really want to get deep into that right now, except to say that my childhood was far from "normal".My dad kicked me out of his house when I was 16, I am a high-school drop-out (with a GED and two college degrees), and I was homeless for almost a year. (See why I won't leave the high-paying job I hate...) I had my daughter, Heather the day before my 19Th birthday. My Mom was there with me...two days later she left to go back to the Philippines and I didn't see her again for a year and a half.
Surprise, surprise...there's something not "normal" with my head. I was diagnosed about 9 years ago with major depressive disorder. That is definately not normal. Some days I am great, some days I want to kill everyone in my line of sight. Not so good when you work in a factory!!! There have even been days when I have felt like taking things out on myself...that's not so good either. I have been getting help in that department...and that's not "normal". I wish I could wake up and be normal...not crabby or bitchy or crying or yelling or screaming or sad...just normal. That will never happen.
I mourn what I didn't have as a child. I miss Christmas' with my Grandparents that never happened. Easter Mass that I didn't go to. Weddings I didn't attend. Cousins I didn't see grow up. Friends I lost touch with. High School graduation that didn't take place. I shouldn't miss what I didn't have, I should be thankful for what I do have, right??
Isn't that normal??
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